


Allow the Proper One to Enter

by SakuratheFoodGuru1991



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-02-21 09:06:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2462561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuratheFoodGuru1991/pseuds/SakuratheFoodGuru1991
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random story about Naruto falling in love with Sasuke and the whirlwind of events they enter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a clear night in June. Naruto remembered it vividly. The song Toilet Flush by Eminem was playing on his pink iPod. "I'm a toilet begging to swallow your shit at 250,000 miles an hour on a clear night in Jupiter..." Naruto sung lightly to himself, looking up at the moon. The blonde-haired queer felt his heart clench painfully. Why was love so complicated? Why couldn't his one love with the chicken ass hair love him back? Why couldn't he let him pound the absolute fuck out of his Asian asshole?

He was walking around the block. He thought for a second and then his mind went. It had to be at least 3 AM, isn’t it ironic? He wanted to be with Dudechiha Sasuke, but he wasn't sure that Sasuke felt the same way. I mean, Sasuke sent him mixed signals like a traffic light that needed repairs. It was just so confusing. Naruto's vision suddenly became blurry, suddenly realizing tears were forming in the corner of his nasty eyes.

"Okay," Naruto mumbled to himself, pulling his iPod out. "Maybe I should change it to a happier song."  
He turned it to “Get Me Home” by Foxy Brown and his mood instantly changed. The teen suddenly felt the need to dance like a little Ukrainian ballerina in the middle of the desolate street, so he did. He bended down to touch his toes and glided like a queer on buttcrack. Naruto felt his confidence build-up as he did some wicked moves in the dark streets of Konoha. He didn't care if anyone thought he was crazy. They could go jump on Tsunade's pancake titties.

After the song ended, he was covered in sweat, and his make-up was messy; it wasn’t so much a concern since they were free samples he had gotten in the mail. But, he didn't care. He felt like a million rubles. He had to confess his love for Sasuke! He had to or he couldn’t shit in the morning since his anus would clench like a wrench! Especially since he was motivated because he loved Brooklyn rap. Naruto knew it was 3 AM and Sasuke was most likely asleep, but this couldn't wait! He blushed at the thought of Sasuke's sexy orangutan oval face staring at him while he was sexually teasing him with a can of Pine-Sol.

Naruto dashed down the street like Tommy off of GTA VC running from the cops. He didn't stop running until he made it to the last house on the left, which was Sasuke's. The raven-haired male kept his yard perfect 24/7. His house was painted by Sai; the color was a light blue. Sasuke was going for "A Barbie Dream House" but ended up with just a queer blue house. Oh, well. It still looked nice compared to the other houses of the projects he lived in. To Sasuke, anyway. All the other kids in the neighborhood would defecate on Sasuke's lawn, leaving the dark-haired man to clean it up day after day after day. Naruto actually felt sorry for the emo. Just kidding.  
Naruto walked up the steps of his front-porch, breathing in deeply before knocking on the door with worry he may chip a nail.

"This is it!" Naruto whispered, butterflies in his butthole.  
After several moments of nothing, Naruto knocked again, even harder. The blonde suddenly screeched, "What if Sasuke isn't home? He may be at a gay strip club licking up some dude’s thong crack!”  
Naruto continued pounding on the door non-stop for about 25 minutes. After his fists were numb and bleeding, he stopped and pulled a Band-Aid outta his shoe. Sasuke was obviously not home. Naruto frowned, having the urge to cry like a Charlie Sheen when his cocaine was taken away from Martin Landau. Where could Sasuke be? All the shops in Konoha were closed for the night except the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX video shop. There was no excuse!

Naruto sniffed, turning around to walk back home, when suddenly he slipped and fell.

"Oh no!" Naruto cursed as he fell down the hard and cold stairs that were made of steel. After his painful fall, he landed in someone's lap. He looked up to see who it was. Of course it was no one other than Sasuke!

"S-Sasuke..." Naruto whispered, blushing as his onyx eyes bored into his blue ones.

"Are you okay, Naruto? Wait, why the hell are you here?" Sasuke demanded, pushing Naruto off of him.

"Uhm, why are you here?" Naruto spat.  
Sasuke huffed in annoyance, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I just went for a walk. Why are you at my house?" After several moments of intense silence, Sasuke glared at the blonde and spat, "Are you trying to break-in and steal my popcorn figurine collection?"  
Naruto stood up, brushing the dust off his queer-looking khakis. "No. I-I actually came to tell you something, Sasuke. I... I lo-"

"Wait, let's go inside first. It's hotter than the Rainbow Bar and Grill out here." Sasuke interrupted. The raven-haired male walked up the steps of the porch, pulling out his house-keys from his pocket.

Once when they were inside, Naruto sat on Sasuke's pink fluffy couch, waiting for Sasuke to give him the confirmation to speak. After Sasuke came back into the living room with a beer, he sat beside Naruto, looking at him lazily.

"Well? What do you have to tell me?" he asked as he guzzled the Suntory beer.

Naruto breathed in deeply and loved the smell of the shitty alcohol, ignoring his heart pounding in his chest, "S-Sasuke... I... I love - "  
Suddenly, Naruto farted REALLY loud, making him completely forget what he was going to say to Sasuke.

"T-That wasn't me! That... that was... uhm..." Naruto stuttered, embarrassed.  
Sasuke looked at Naruto with a confused expression. "Naruto... did you just... fart?" Sasuke asked, his voice low and husky like Rick James when he was gonna seduce Condoleezza Rice.

"Um, yeah... I'm sorry, Sasuke... I had adzuki beans earlier..." Naruto let out a small nervous chuckle and let out a small poot again. Naruto's eyes turned into saucers as he released yet ANOTHER fart.

Sasuke blinked. "That kinda turns me on actually, Naruto..."

"What? R-Really...?"

"Yeah, really."

Suddenly, Sasuke pulled down Naruto's pants and boxers, leaving his wienie and butt bare to him.

"Sasuke! What the heck are you doing?" Naruto screamed, trying to pull his boxers up.

"No, don't you dare. I want to see your body, Naruto." Sasuke whispered in the blonde's ear, nipping at his ear-lobe.  
Naruto blushed, trying to hold back a massive fart.

Sasuke smirked deviously at the blonde. He had figured him out. Oh, damn it all!

"You need to fart, don't you Naruto?"

"Yeah, but it's embarrassing, Sasuke..."

"Do it or else I'm gonna do the Whitney Houston." Sasuke narrowed his eyes, growling.  
Naruto's eyes widened. "No! Anything but that!"

Sasuke ignored his blonde friend and stood up, beginning to do the Whitney Houston, scaring the absolute shit out of the blonde-haired teenager.

"Oh, the horror! The horror!" Naruto screamed, releasing another huge fart. It was really wet, loud, and sloppy sounding. It pleased Sasuke greatly.

Sasuke watched as a turd flew out of Naruto's butthole and landed on the floor with a soft thud. It broke into 28 pieces and smelt awesome.

"Holy shit!" Naruto screamed, his face flushing with embarrassment. "That isn't what it looks like!"

"Naruto, do you have the massive shits or something?" Sasuke teased.

Naruto glared. "You're the one who made me do it, you fag!"

Suddenly, a loud knock at the door was heard. They both jumped at the harsh knocks at the door. It was now 4 AM. Who the heck could   
it possibly be? Sasuke quickly darted to the light-switch and flipped it off, returning to his spot beside Naruto.

"Who the hell could that be?" Naruto asked, pulling his pants up.

"I don't know." Sasuke responded, peeking out the blinds, but it was too dark to see anything.

"What if it's Larry the Cable Guy!" Naruto shrieked, hiding underneath Sasuke's coffee table.

"There's no such thing as Larry the Cable Guy, you queer!" Sasuke snapped, throwing a lamp into the darkness, hitting Naruto in the head.

"Ow! You fucking bitch!" Naruto yelped, rubbing his head.

Suddenly the lamp got up and dashed out the backdoor of Sasuke's house, no one else noticing it.

"You're really freaking stupid Sasuke," a voice said from outside. "Turning the light off and pretending no one is home. How the hell   
could that fool ANYONE? Oh, yeah, and I can freaking hear BOTH OF YOU. I'm not Larry the Cable Guy - and yes, HE'S REAL."

"Wait, I recognize that voice," Sasuke said, running across the room and opening the door. "Kakashi? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I just came back from a party with Jiraiya and Gai and I thought I'd stop by," Kakashi said, smiling behind his mask as he scratched his fat nose.

"At 4 in the morning?" Sasuke said, pointing to his wrist-watch.

"Well, yeah!" Kakashi turned to Naruto sitting on the couch awkwardly. "What's Naruto doing here?"

"We were just talking," Sasuke lied.

"Seriously, what the fuck were you guys doing before I... interrupted you two?" Kakashi asked, not giving up on the subject. He took a step forward, hearing a loud SPAT! noise. He lifted up his foot, noticing shit on his ninja shoe.

"That's Naruto's shit," Sasuke stated.

"He took a shit in your living room? Well, that wouldn't be the first time..." Kakashi trailed off, recalling a time from 2008.

"Naruto ate too many beans today and he made a poopy on himself." Sasuke smirked.  
Kakashi smirked behind his mask. "You are a legit dumbass, Naruto."

"I am not!" Naruto whimpered, tears forming in his eyes.

"Yeah, you are." Kakashi said cooly.  
Suddenly that demented mothafucka named Kakashi pulled a cheeseburger out of his pocket and threw it at Naruto.  
Naruto screamed in pain as the cheeseburger hit him hard on his head.  
Sasuke glared at Kakashi, but said nothing. Sasuke wanted badly to defend Naruto, but he knew that he couldn't take on Kakashi; his sensei. He would get his ass kicked all the way back to Hong Kong... and he isn't even Chinese.

"Eat that you fat-fuck." Kakashi demanded, smushing it in Naruto's face. The older man then turned around and walked out of Sasuke's house quietly, saying a soft, "Good-bye!" to Sasuke before shutting the door behind him.  
Naruto pulled some lettuce out of his spikey hair, embarassed by tonight's antics. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come over to Sasuke's after all. Now there was no way to admit his love for Sasuke now. Not tonight, at least.

"S-Sasuke? About tonight... I -"

"I'll walk you out, Naruto." Sasuke interuppted yet again.

"But, Sasuke, it's too late for me to walk home. Can I sleep on the couch or something?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, about to object to the idea.

"Please? I don't want to get gang-banged by a bunch of Konoha gangsters! You know, black people have big cocks and my butthole is really sensitive!" Naruto pleaded, giving him a puppy-dog face. “Not that I’m scared. I want someone to massage my prostate and—“

"Fine, Naruto," Sasuke signed. "But, please clean up after yourself before you leave in the morning, alright? I don’t want to see any of your eyelashes you plucked on the floor."

"Okay, Sasuke." Naruto said with glee.  
Sasuke turned around and headed down the hallway to where his bedroom was, shutting the door with a loud bang. Naruto just sat there awkwardly for a moment before lying down on the couch, pulling a pillow against his chest. He wished things would have been different. Kakashi just had to interrupt them while they were about to get to the good part. Naruto sighed, feeling tears form in the corner of his eyes yet again. He then spotted one of his turds across Sasuke's living room.

Naruto cried and crawled over to were the turd was... He then began to sculpt a small action figure of Sasuke out of the turd.  
He smiled softly at the turd's face which reminded him of Sasuke.

"If only you knew how much I loved you, my sweet Sasuke..." Naruto whimpered, wiping away the tears that ran down his cheeks.

He then stood to his feet, his Sasuke turd action figure at hand, and placed it on Sasuke's mantel next to his popcorn figurines. He knew that the action figure wouldn't last for long. During the winter, Sasuke would leave the fireplace on and it would probably melt the turd into a heaping pool of diarrhea.

Naruto then crawled back onto the couch, curling up, shutting his eyes peacefully. He had work in a few hours and he knew it was gonna be hell.

Dang it all.


	2. From the Bottom of The Ocean

Naruto awoke to the sound of a very familiar song. Rubbing his tired eyes, he sat up, the sun coming into the sexy window nearly blinding him. Squinting his already slanted Asian eyes, he looked out the window. His eyes widened at the sight he saw; three birds were sitting outside of the window singing “What a Girl Drinks” by Kristy Uglyera. He watched them several moments, thinking it was one of his delusions he saw while smoking a big fat blunt. When suddenly the realization hit him; he hasn't done drugs recently!  
He gasped as he looked at the birds shaking their feathery asses at his window, almost in a mocking fashion. One of the birds turned around, smacking its asshole, winking at Naruto after it shitted on the window. Naruto drew his eyebrows downward. The birds were mocking him, and since Naruto was a bratty teenager, that was something he just wouldn't allow.

"Die, you daughters of snitches." Uzumaki Naruto said cooly, pulling out a pink gun that he coincidentally found. It was a pink Smith and Wesson .500 magnum. He felt like one of those cool, muscular people in those action movies like Beatrix Kiddo from Kill Will.I.Am. It nearly made him want to go to the gym to work out and gain muscles and look like a human Machoke since he was a tall yet very fat teenage boy. But, he shook the thoughts away momentarily. He just inwardly decided he'd get some diet tips from Haruno Sakura’s great grandmother Aisha.

He then shot the birds in their rectums, making them explode into a frenzy of feathers and blood. The blonde laughed cruedly, opening the window to flatulate on their dead bodies. It was cruel, but Naruto didn't care. He didn't need to wake up at the crack of dawn to see bird crack in his face. Especially to What a Girl Drinks; classic song. Naruto wasn't a girl, but he was wanting…wanting some gigantic cock to spread his buttcheeks and jab at his butthole. Naruto sighed softly.

He quickly took off his pajamas that were designed with cute, pink frogs that were outlined with fuchsia. He has worn some bunny slippers he bought for 1 dollar at the Dollar Tree. Naruto quickly put them in his purse, putting his clothes on, which consisted of his usual orange jump-suit. Naruto seriously needed to go on that show called, "What Not To Wear".  
Putting his ninja sandals on, he caught himself humming “Baby One More Time”. He mentally slapped himself before heading out Sasuke's front door. Careful not to fall down the steep steel stairs that he fell down last night, he held onto the railing carefully and farted at 81 decibels. That's when he suddenly felt the huge bruise on his ass, flexing it softly. Naruto didn't have much muscle, except in his ass - for obvious reasons.

Naruto suddenly caught himself thinking about Uchiha Sasuke’s penis and the possibly hairy nuts he had. Uzumaki Naruto’s heart fluttered at the thought of the emo ninja. He could not believe he slept at his house. Sasuke’s house smelled of cinnamon buns, old Marlboro siggerettes, and banana-flavored condoms. Everytime Naruto would smell either of those scents, he'd think of Sasuke cooking a banana-cinnamon pie while smoking a cigarette. Naruto smiled, prancing around like the little 5'6 queer he was. Suddenly his happy thoughts were interrupted.

Naruto realized that he promised Sakura he'd stop by to give her this old Winona Judd cassette that he found at a yard sale for 15 cents.   
That was their secret because in actuality it was really a Ludacris “Chicken & Beer” Casette that had a Winona Judd cover in front of the Ludacris cassette and the real Ludacris cassette.

He turned on his heel, quickly dashing off to the pinkette's house. When her house suddenly came into view, he saw her dad in the front yard, watering the tomato shrubs. The man was 46 years old and was greying slightly, but it was hardly noticeable due to the fact that he had pink hair! Yes, you heard right. Pink hair. It was fruitier than Sakura’s hair; his hair was like a fuchsia color. When Naruto first met Sakura's dad for the first time, he pointed at the old man, nearly falling to the floor in laughter and crapping his thong from farting so loudly. Ever since then, he and Naruto have not been on good terms.  
Naruto tried to tip-toe past him. For a minute, he thought he succeeded in avoiding chaos with the man. He was about to step on the porch when he heard a booming voice from behind him. Naruto automatically froze his toes with his freeze ray of a g-string that he was wearing.

"Uzumaki Naruto! What the fuck are you doing, you prostate poker!?"

The old man tended to yell quite a lot. Well, at least whenever Naruto was around. It was one of his annoying habits. Gulping in fear, the blonde turned to face the tall and muscular man who was wearing a black Speedo that hugged his huge nutsack that was tumor sized, kinda like Chouji’s sausage-like fingers being jammed into an extra small latex glove. Also, the black Speedo greatly contrasted against his pale skin that was turning pink like his pubes that you could see due to Naruto’s stupidness. The pink-haired man's eyes were narrowed, his jaw set; if looks could kill, Naruto would be as dead as Mariah Carey’s singing career. The blonde boy scratched behind his head sheepishy as he responded, "Um, I wanted to give Sakura this casette she asked for. Is she awake?"

"No, you fucking moron!" he bellowed.

"O-Oh. Um, well, could you give this casette to her and -"

"NO, YOU MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY! WHO LISTENS TO CASETTES ANYMORE?!" the old man yelled so loud, that it sent Naruto flying backwards, landing on the freshly-cut lawn. He blinked several times before turning his attention back to the older male, seeing that he was coming towards him with the water hose.

"Boy, you best watch out!" the old man said, his accent suddenly country. "If you don't leave my property, I'm gonna shove this water hose up your ass and give you my version of a motherfucking enema!"

“It would clean my asshole!” said Naruto.

“It would probably turn white from all the sperm inside!” shouted Kizashi.  
Naruto gulped, trying to get up, but the old man turned the water hose on full-blast and pointed it at Naruto. Trying to make a dash for safety, the old man turned the hose on, making Naruto skid across the lawn. The blonde boy sputtered, trying to calm the old man down. But, everytime he tried to open his mouth, it was filled up with water.

After several moments - which seemed like hours - the old man suddenly stopped with his violent actions. Naruto panted heavily, pulling some of his wet, blonde locks out of his eyes to see Sakura roughly take the hose out of her father's hands.

"Dad, stop!" Sakura yelled. "You're gonna kill him!"

"Well, that's the idea!"

Sakura only huffed in annoyance, putting a hand on her hip. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could say anything, her father made a move to take the hose from his daughter. She quickly pointed it at him, literally putting his ass on blast. The old man went flying in the air, over a fence, and into the neighbor's bush. Sakura muttered a soft "oops" before turning to face Naruto.

"Are you okay, Naruto? Sorry, my dad is just extra angry because he has to take pills to get his dick up nowadays." Sakura mumbled,   
tossing the hose carelessly to the side. “Also, his prostate is raw from my mom pegging it.”

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine..." Naruto said hoarsely, not actually knowing if he was fine or not. He coughed several times before wobbly standing to his feet.

"Come inside and I'll fix you a cup of fruit punch Kool-Aid." Sakura said.

"Kool-Aid? What the heck is this? The hood?" Naruto joked, earning a light smack across the back of his head from the pinkette.

"It's not the hood, moron! We live on the suburban side of Konoha where the houses are separated by 4 feet and we all have good lives and don't give a fuck about poor people!" she growled in a suburban-fashion.

"I was just kidding, geez. Besides, you were the one that wanted this ghetto Ludacris cassette." Naruto mumbled, pulling the scratched up cassette out from his purse.

Sakura's eyes immediately widened at the sight of the cassette she always wanted. She squealed happily as she clutched the Cassette to her AA sized breasts. She pulled back to look at the cover, her heart fluttering as she saw Ludacris’s kinky smile. Luda was wearing a   
tank top and sprinkling salt on a hooker’s leg.

"God, he's so fine!" Sakura expressed, a smile on her face. She turned to look at Naruto with sudden lust in her eyes. "Anyway... come inside and I'll owe you by giving you a blow-job and a cup of Kool-Aid."

Naruto blinked several times before responding to the pinkette, "Um, Sakura, you know I'm gay, right?"

“But…does it matter who sucks your weenie?” asked Haruno Sakura.

“Yes; I don’t want your ugly lips around this meat,” said Naruto.

"Right." she said simply, walking up the steps of her porch.

Naruto face palmed before following her into her house. He watched Sakura disappear into the kitchen, as he walked with a bit of swag in his step into the living room. Sitting on the couch, he studied the white carpet, the polished tables, the flat screen TV; it practically radiated suburban family. He nearly wanted to vomit on their plastic-covered couch. But, the blonde boy restrained himself. He picked through his nose, pulling out a huge, green booger, wiping it on the crystal clear coffee table. Naruto chuckled deviously as he got another great idea in his head.

Naruto stood up, pulling down his orange jump-suit. He squatted in front of the table, letting a huge piece of shit that was about 50 feet long fall out his ass and onto the once spot-less table. He giggled slightly, and then grunted as he pushed out another massive turd. He strained and let 3 gallons of piss come outta his peniz. He then felt liquid suddenly flow from his ass, his eyes grew wider than saucers. He tried to stop shitting, but it was just too hard. The shit kept flowing from his ass like a faucet.  
Once the shit stopped flowing out his ass, he turned around to admire his work. But, he gasped at the disaster he saw. His liquid shit was all over their pure white carpet, and all over the wall, and most importantly... on their flat screen. Naruto let out a loud, shrill scream like a little boy being molested by Michael Jackson.

Sakura quickly dashed into the room at Naruto's cry.

"Naruto! What's -" she stopped talking once she slipped and fell in a puddle of Naruto's dookie.  
Naruto gasped in horror as Sakura fell flat onto her back into his massive pool of liquid crap. He quickly darted to her side, avoiding his own shit, before taking the pinkette's dookie-soaked hand to help her up. She gasped and sputtered, really confused about what was going on. Her emerald eyes met his blue one's in deep confusion.

"W-What the hell did I just fall in? Is that chocolate?" Sakura shrieked, looking at the brown substance in her living room.

"Umm... well..." Naruto stuttered, not sure of how to explain to his friend that he shitted in her living room on purpose.

"W-Wait... is that... is that shit?"

"I'm sorry, Sakura! I just did it because -"

"Wait! You did this? What the fuck, Naruto? Why did you shit in my living room? These stains aren't gonna come out!" the pink-haired girl   
yelled. She then retched and then threw up all over the shit, making it look gross! “Oh, my Shinto! That was so gross! How does your body produce that much fecal matter?!”

"I'm sorry, Sakura! But, you know I hate suburban people who brag about everything they have!" Naruto said frantically in a shrill voice. 

“And I don’t know how I can dush this much.”

"Oh! My dad is gonna kill you!" Sakura said, putting a hand over her mouth. "Who the hell does something like this anyway? Besides Allen Eastridge."

"I-I don't know! I thought it would be a nice joke!" Naruto whimpered, tears flowing down his cheeks.

"A joke? You must’ve lost your last brain cell before you left your mom’s uterus! Naruto, you don't understand," she said frantically. "He   
will kill you."

"H-He wouldn't..."

"Yes, he would. If I were you, I'd start running for the hills...but not Silent Hill… and check out that shitty problem you have. No pun intended..." Sakura trailed off, suddenly noticing flies starting to swarm around in her living room. Some of the flies were the size of jellybeans. 

She groaned with annoyance as the flies were flying around her shit-covered hair that normally was silky and shiny. She quickly dashed upstairs, sobbing loudly about her hair being ruined. Naruto heard the shower running upstairs and loud sobbing from his pink-haired friend. He wanted to go up there and put a hand on her dookie-covered shoulder and tell her everything was okay. But, it wasn't.

Suddenly the front door of the Haruno's house opened, causing Naruto to jump. His eye's met the huge, muscular figure of Sakura' dad, carrying an axe and he had a freaking boner. Naruto swore he could've faint like that time he went to the 70% off sale at Victoria's Secret. But, this time, it definitely wasn't in a good way. The blonde watched as the man's eyes widened at the sight he saw in his living room.

"Who the fuck did this?" his voice boomed as his 11 inch boner swung in his Speedo.  
Naruto just darted off, running up the stairs. Hearing a loud bang down stares, he assumed Mr. Haruno slipped into his giant pool of shit like Sakura did. His shit must've been extra slippery or something. He looked over the stair-railing and saw Mr. Haruno struggle to get up from the heaping pile of shit. Naruto couldn't help himself; he busted out laughing. The man looked up at him, glaring.

"I'm gonna come up there and shove this axe so far up your asshole, boy, you can smell it and turn your breath into Foot Locker water repellant!" Mr. Haruno shouted, standing up, letting the shit drip off his pink mustache.

"Sakura! Help!" he screamed, frantically beating on her bedroom door.

"Don't you dare go into my daughter's bedroom, worthless fuck!" Sakura's dad bellowed from the bottom of the stairs. “Not that you would go through her drawers since she wears thongs only!”

Naruto turned around and held out his hands and said, “I’ll say this again: fuck your stupid-ass side burns, fuck yo hair style, and fuck yo daddy! And I’m not surprised she wears THONGS!”

“Boy, I’m spin you hot and turn yo into ass leather and sell it on eBay!” said Kizashi.

Naruto swore he was about to shit himself again in the hallway as Sakura's muscular, tall father came running up the hallway and charging after him like a bull. For a second, Naruto could've swore he saw steam coming out of the man's ears. Naruto ran the fastest he'd ever ran in his whole life as he bursted through a window in the hall-way, landing into their backyard pool with a loud splash. Naruto farted loudly at the impact, letting a turd shoot out his ass and land to the bottom of the pool. He also farted again and caused basketball-sized bubbles to leave his asshole and damn, they smelled horrible.

Rising to the surface, gasping for air, he looked up to the deep blue sky. He raised his arms in the air, screaming, "Thank you, Shinto! I'm alive!"

Swimming to the ladder of the pool, he quickly made a dash for the fence. Jumping over it, he landed roughly on the other side with a loud thud. Groaning softly, he wiped the dirt off his pants. Looking at his wristwatch, he noticed it was 3:30! Work started over 3 hours ago. He was fired for sure!

Naruto resorted in stealing a 5-year-old's sakes since he had no car and only worked at McDonald's. The blonde skated down the high-way, his blonde locks flowing wildly in the wind. People in the cars laughed and pointed at the blonde wearing the queer-looking pink skates, but Naruto could care less. He had to explain himself at his job! When McDonald's suddenly came into view, Naruto felt a sense of relief. But, he wasn't out of the woods yet. What if his boss fired him? He would never get to buy his favorite magazine: Queer Shinobi Monthly ever again?

Naruto quickly opened the door of the ghetto resturant, dashing in the front counter. He panted heavily, staring an African American female with 3 month old dreads in her hair. She had horrible dark circles underneath her eyes and big, ashy lips. Naruto quickly looked at her name-tag, which read, "Qwanteesha."

"Qwanteesha! Please, do you know where Mr. Robinson - the manager - is?" Naruto said frantically.

"Nigga, I don't know where that muthafucka be at," Qwanteesha snapped, chewing her gum quite loudly. "Hell, I don't know where da fuck I bet at right now, hoe."

"Stupid nigger." Naruto mumbled under his breath.

Naruto took a step backwards, backing into someone in the process. He turned around, coming face-to-face with his boss, whom looked quite angry and a little wasted. His beer-gut hung over his belt, and his man-boobs were quite evident today. There was a ketchup stain on his tie, but since he was a boss-man, he didn't give a fuck. Naruto gulped, taking several steps backwards at his boss' intense glare.

"Naruto," the man slurred. "Why the fuck are you three hours late?"

"Um, well, some things came up and I -"  
"I don't give a fuck. When you work at McDonald's, you must take it seriously!" he spat, putting his hands on his fat hips in a gay fashion.

"It won't happen again, Mr. Robinson. I assure you." Naruto whimpered.

"You're damn right it won't happen again, Naruto. You're fired." Mr. Robinson said bitterly, turning around to walk back into his office.

"F-Fired...?" was all Naruto could say.

Qwanteesha was recording the whole scene with her cheap cellphone she got from Wal-Mart - well, stole from Wal-Mart. She was definitely gonna put this on Youtube and send this to all her ghetto friends who could somehow afford the Internet. Qwanteesha laughed loudly, accidentally swallowing her gum. She immediately started vomiting on the French fries, thrashing around wildly as she farted loudly. She was squirming and jerking around so wildly, that she didn't notice her vicinity to the fryers. She leaned backwards against them and her corn rows that went to her ass got burnt and sizzled as they were in the hot oil. She screamed as almost all her hair fell out and she ran out of the restaurant farting.

Naruto left the resturant, his head low. Only one thing could cheer him up, and that was Sasuke. Naruto needed to talk to someone, and Sasuke just seemed like the person. The blonde cried softly as he made his way to Sasuke's house. Hopefully Sasuke would understand and comfort him, and eventually, they could head back to Naruto's crib and have rough sex.

Knocking on Sasuke's door for what seemed at the most 5 minutes, he assumed Sasuke wasn't home or simply didn't want to answer. Naruto sighed softly, about to go home to cut his wrists while listening to Hawthorne Heights, when suddenly the door opened. Naruto jumped slightly, suprised to see a different person other than the pale-faced, chicken-haired ass teen whom he grew to love so much. 

Naruto nearly had a heart-attack at the ugly gorilla-looking face that greeted him at the door.  
It was a black guy with long dreads that went down to his ass. The man had big, ashy lips and blood-shot eyes that told Naruto that this man must've just smoked a big, fat blunt. The man had a cooking pot on his head, which made him look slightly retarded. He also had jagged teeth that stuck out from all angles. But, the thing that bothered Naruto most of all, the man was naked. Being the gay man Naruto was, he stared downwards to the man's penis, noticing he had to be at least 12 inches, and had a lot of hair on his nuts; the man had a bluish-green tip with a mushroom growing on it. Naruto blushed at all the thoughts that went through his head, but quickly shook them off. He belonged to Sasuke - not this guy.

"Yes?" the man's deep voice bellowed.  
Naruto jumped back lightly, suprised that the man sounded like a tornado getting raped by a hurricane, or just like Lil Wayne. Naruto lifted a blonde brow before stuttering, "W-Who are you?"

"I'm LeMarkus." the black guy purred softly, letting his dreads fall over his shoulders. He put his hands on his chocolatey hips as he leaned against the door frame of Sasuke's house. It seemed as if the black man was studying him as well. Naruto blushed.

"U-Umm... Where's Sasuke?"

"What tha fuck do you want with him?" the black guy suddenly said loudly, pulling a gun out of nowhere.

"I-I just want to see Sasuke!" Naruto cried, putting his dookie-covered hands up in the air.

"Why? Me and him had sex," the black guy said, lowering his gun slightly. "This morning. I came over to give him the mail since I'm a mail-man, and he got turned on by my flea-infested dreads and said I should bend over and take it like a man."  
Naruto was stunned. Was this true? Did Sasuke really like black men? It was almost too hard to believe that he was having sex with someone else! Naruto felt jealously bubble up inside him. Sasuke was his. LeMarkus needed to back the fuck off his man. Naruto was ready to get all up Devon's face and claim his territory, but the gun kept him from doing so.

"You and him... had sex?"

"Yeah, I pounded the hell outta his tight, puckered asshole..." LeMarkus stated proudly.

 

"You are ugly as sin. You look like motherfucking RayJ." Naruto blurted out angrily. He didnt want to share his man with no body. Especially not some nappy-headed jungle freak.

Naruto quickly regretted his words when the black man snarled and pointed the gun at him once more. Being the quick ninja Naruto was, he quickly darted off. The blonde looked behind him to see the black guy chasing after him.

This wasn't his day at all.


	4. Chapter 3

"Oh Shinto! I can't believe I'm being chased by a black guy!" Naruto screamed with sheer terror. He actually did want a black guy to chase him, but one that was naked and had a better hairstyle.  
"Well, you better believe it now, cracker!" LeMarkus snarled as he swung his long hair in the air.  
Naruto scowled slightly at the insult; he wasn't a 'cracker' or white. Even though he had blonde hair and blue eyes, he was Asian. His last name was Uzumaki for crying out loud! That is a Japanese surname. Not to mention that his first name is very Japanese-sounding as well. I mean, who the hell would name their child Naruto? I mean, other than an Asian person, or Nicki Minaj. His name is based off some swirly island or something. Naruto nearly wanted to turn around and smack the shit out of LeMarkus, and pull out his dreads that put Bob Marley's to shame. But, LeMarkus had a gun, and would obviously use it to his advantage by blowing Naruto's brains out. Naruto only gave LeMarkus the ring finger, then ran even faster when he saw the black man's eyes literally turn a bright red.  
"You fatherfucker! I will pop a glock in your mouth and make your brain slushie!" LeMarkus hollered.  
Naruto ignored LeMarkus's pathetic excuse of an insult, and kept running. He suddenly felt his stomach cramp, indicating he had to either fart, or take a massive shit. Naruto inwardly groaned, but suddenly a light bulb went on in his head. He could use his literally shitty problem to his advantage in this situation. Naruto's lips quirked upwards into a sadistic smile and she stopped running. He pulled down his pants, showing LeMarkus his hideous ankles. They had eczema and hairs on them and were so nasty.   
LeMarkus quickly stopped to a halt, covering his eyes quickly at the ugly sight.  
"Ah! I'm fucking blind! Man, why do your ankles look like that?" LeMarkus shrieked like a girl sitting front row at a Justin Bieber concert. Naruto then farted and pulled his pants down, hiding his ankles and showing his muscular anus. It was very lose; from a distance it looked like an open rose bud that was wrinkly and brown.  
LeMarkus opened his eyes to see brown liquid spewing from between Naruto's butt-cheeks. The blonde then did a hand-stand, spreading his legs, revealing his tiny Asian penis and, of course, his hideous knee caps. LeMarkus could only watch, his mouth gaped. Naruto spread his legs wider, causing the shit to squirt out his asshole like a water fountain in Rhode Island. LeMarkus was in too much shock to notice that Naruto's shit was heading right towards him. Suddenly a pool of Naruto's shit fell from the sky and landed on LeMarkus. The shit splattered all over LeMarkus and all around him, causing horse flies to enter the area and buzz around Devon’s nutsack. Naruto chuckled darkly, pulling his orange jump-suit back up and farted really loudly.  
LeMarkus sat up, coughing and gagging due to the liquid shit that landed in his mouth and down his throat. The horse flies began to buzz and even farted several times, producing a few tiny molecules of stinkiness. LeMarkus quickly stood up, but slipped and fell again in Naruto's slippery dookie, but he was more angry at the fact that it got under his nasty toes. Lemarkus looked at Naruto, anger quite evident in his eyes. He snarled, revealing his dookie-covered teeth that looked quite unpleasant. LeMarkus stood up again, pulling the dookie-covered gun out of Naruto's shit puddle. Once Naruto saw this, he darted off in any direction. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. It only added fuel to the flame, but that was what Naruto lived for; he loved fucking around with people to piss them off for his sadistic side.  
Naruto's eyes widened as he saw Sai's apartment come into view. It was a perfect place for a hide-out. Plus, Sai could draw two gangsters who looked like they came from a Lil Boozy music video on some of his magical paper and they'll come to life and beat Lemarkus's ass. Unless Lemarkus shoots them first or something, which would be sad because Sai’s ink is not cheap. Naruto gulped at the thought of that wasted ink. Maybe shitting on LeMarkus wasn't exactly the brightest idea. What do you expect? After all, Naruto is a blonde.  
As Naruto ran up the stairs of the old and crusty apartment building, which was deemed condemned for 13 years after Chouji's dad had farted in room 16, back in 1978 when he had a Roland System 100 synthesizer. Naruto ran out of breath on the second floor. LeMarkus was obviously black, therefore his stamina was extremely fast, matching Naruto's ninja speed. The blonde cried out in frustration, as he nearly slipped on some semen on the stairs. He let out a shrill and gay scream, angry that he got some semen on his ninja sandals he bought at Wal-Mart for ten dollars….but he got enough food stamps to fill out ten books to get them for free! The semen was probably one of Sai's gay boyfriend that jacked-off on the stairs before he left. Fucking man-whore.  
Naruto suddenly started to hum "So Many Man Whores" by Hilary Duff as he continued to jog up the stairs. Mentally slapping hiself, he frantically knocked on the door several times. Not waiting for an answer, running into Sai's house, shutting the door quickly.  
"Sai!" Naruto screamed, sobbing, looking around for the gay painter among the fruity black walls and pink sofa tables.  
He found Sai in his bedroom, painting a bowl full of turds. The bowl was celadon in color and was probably something from the Ming dynasty since Sai is not a minor league.  
"SAI!" Naruto screamed, tears running down his cheeks and spilling some blush. "Some black guy is chasing after me!"  
"Again?" Sai asked calmly, not bothering to look at him. “Is this another guy you met at that gay strip club? I’m quite shocked black dudes would go there.”  
"Shut the hell up, Sai. I'm being serious. And ew! I didn’t find him at the strip club. He could come in here and kill us both!" he cried. "But, the worst part is... that black guy... he was sleeping with Sasuke!"  
Sai turned around to look at Naruto questioningly. "Wait... Sasuke is gay? I thought he had the hots for Karin."  
"Duh!" Naruto shouted with frustration. "What was your first clue? Look at his hair! Look at his lip gloss! Look at his Hello Kitty attire he wears every day. And... I'm gay too."  
Naruto turned away from Sai and blushed. His ass-cheeks was on fire.  
"You are?" he simply asked, putting his paint-brush down. “Can’t say that I’m surprised. All the strip clubs you’ve been to and been kicked out of for trying to bite some guy’s thong off, all the Dolce and Gabana adds with that guy in the white swimsuit, all the—“  
"Yes!" Naruto shouted. "It doesn't matter! I'm gay and -"  
Suddenly LeMarkus shot the upstairs window, glass shattering everywhere. Sai jumped back, shocked and upset that someone actually shot his window that he installed after buying it at Home Depot. He contemplated for about 8 weeks whether to purchase the window from Home Depot or Lowes, but the guy at Lowes was very rude. He was from Minneapolis, after all. Sai glared at the shattered window on the ground but said nothing. He promptly sat down his paint brush yet again and gave Naruto the middle finger.

“You dumbass,” said Sai. “My window is ruined!”  
Naruto responded by pulling his pants down and mooning Sai. Turning around to see the gay painter's response, he noticed Sai was puking in a trash can.

"Hey, my ass doesn't look that bad!" Naruto whimpered.  
“Your buttcheeks look like two pigs vomiting!” said Sai.  
Suddenly the black man crawled through the window, knocking down Sai's beautiful painting. LeMarkus took a step forward in the room, tripping over the window. His gun slid across the floor of Sai's bedroom, giving Naruto the chance to get it. Quickly making a dash for it, he was tripped by LeMarkus. The blonde cursed, reaching out to get it once more. Grasping it between his fingers, he turned around, aiming it at LeMarkus's head. He automatically froze.  
"Aye, man. L-Let's work this out or something," LeMarkus stuttered. "If you give me the gun, I'll buy you lunch at Zaxby’s."  
Naruto quickly took the magazine out and tossed the gun to LeMarkus, happiness and excitement in his eyes. "So when are you gonna take me to Zaxby’s?"  
LeMarkus only giggled, then pointed the gun at Naruto. "Never, motherfucker."  
“You know that’s empty, right?” said Sai.  
“Shit,” said LeMarkus.  
Sai sat on his stool next to his bed, face-palming at Naruto's stupidity. Sai definitely wasn't gonna risk his life due to his friend's kinky fetish for Zaxby’s. He would lazily watch LeMarkus kill Naruto then maybe he and Sai could go eat - not at Zaxby’s, if you know what I mean. More like KFC. Sai was a player and he definitely liked black men, or morbidly obese men. But above all, Sai had a fetish for black guys who played the piano or painted. He loved niggas with talent in the fine arts. But, knowing LeMarkus, he'd probably just want to go eat at KFC, run from the cops, or play basketball.

"Time to die, you fat-ass," Devon smirked, his kinky mustache very visible.  
Naruto wailed softly, preparing to die. Naruto could've swore his life was flashing before his eyes; he thought of the time he first shit himself on the playground in Kindergarden, the time he clogged up the bathroom in Middle School, the time he accidentally mistaken his dookie as brownies in High School, the time he swapped spit with Sakura in college - wait, okay, the last one totally didn't happen. If that did happen, Naruto would seriously commit suicide after kissing that slut's lips. Sakura probably has sucked more dicks than Kim Kardashian and received anal sex at least five times more frequently than that celebrity wannabe.

Naruto slapped himself, realizing he was letting his ADD get ahold of him again. As Naruto prepared to die at the evil clutches of Devon, he smelt a smell. It was a smelly smell that smelt... smelly. It smelled like bananas and turtle shells; it was Sasuke! The door was kicked open, revealing no one other than the infamous Sasuke Uchiha, wearing his usual Hello Kitty clothing he bought from Hot Topic. Sasuke jumped protectively in front of the blonde, glaring like a fat person protecting a piece of cake.

"S-Sasuke?" Naruto gasped, looking up at his savior in emo clothing.

"LeMarkus, leave Naruto alone before I take away your Cricket phone I paid for," Sasuke warned.

“YOU HAVE A CRICKET?” laughed Naruto who started to fart like the world would end in 4 minutes.

“Shut…up…” said Devon as he pulled out a knife.


End file.
